My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
