he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
