Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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