getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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