dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
