I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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