if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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