saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Randomize
