i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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