my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the day after is always just damage control
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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