mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize