When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
We smell like vodka and hangover
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