if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
