o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
