i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
