I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
