i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
