she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
