genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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