u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
