Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Is it because I queefed?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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