that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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