You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
