Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
