just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
