I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
