You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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