Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out