Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
