I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.