I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
only you would photoshop your dick
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
