my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
