This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
