It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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