I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
