found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
