Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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