There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
