I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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