You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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