I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
