i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
