my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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