I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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