i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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