So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
