I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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