lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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