dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize