her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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