I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
