Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
