ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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