i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
