god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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