Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
