I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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