There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
