Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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