Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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