I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
