Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
