this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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