im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
