Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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