sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊